Life isn’t this hard for other people.
Why can’t I figure out how to be happy?

There are 85 fires I need to put out.

I’m paralyzed with indecision, because there are so many things that need to be “fixed” right now.

I feel dead inside with my job.

Deadlines and obligations get in the way of me spending quality time with those close to me. Including myself.

I’m heavy with confusion and uncertainty.

I feel overwhelmed with options; it’s hard to make decisions. I don’t trust myself to make the right choice or to be able to handle what comes my way.

If I could just get it right this time, things would get better.

My mind is so busy, often with my thoughts of others’ thoughts of what I should do.

I feel like I’m always messing up. That I’m going to mess things up just by being me.

Every once in a while, I catch myself feeling happy. The happiness is usually fleeting and coupled with feeling mystified – How did that happen?? How can I get it back?

I have some good days here and there, but I can’t figure out why or how to get them to last.

If I could just read the right book, follow the right influencer, stick with the right diet… things would finally fall into place. I’ll do better tomorrow.

Everyone thinks I’ve got it all together.

This makes the shame that I’m falling apart inside all the more crushing.

I tell people I’m fine. A lot.

But I feel trapped.

My calendar is booked, so this means I’m productive, right? Which means I’m thriving, right?

But I’m going 90mph, filling my days with anything to keep from facing my self-loathing. I cannot feel the feelings I’ve worked to stuff down.

I’m just trying to hold it together, with uneasiness as a constant companion. It is the first thing to greet me in the mornings.

I am physically close to people but feel very far away from them.

No one knows that my soul is dying a little every day.

I’ve relied on logic most of my life, and it seems to be working.

So why do I feel unsettled and joyless?

I just want to be happy.

Sometimes the “who” I am and what I like to do, what brings me joy, get forgotten. It’s replaced with deadlines and obligations. I’ve filled my time with these things to further my career, but not necessarily myself.

I’m not really even sure what I like or what makes me happy.

I try to remember back to when things went wrong. When was I last happy?

I feel stuck, and I want to feel happier more often. More consistently.

But I feel hopeless and that I need to figure out a way to settle into this shitty life that I have, rather than trying to change it.

Like I just need to try to manage my condition and keep my head above water, because it won’t ever be better.

It’s too hard. It’s too hard to do it by myself, and it’s too hard to depend on other people to help.

I feel very stagnant, stuck, like I’m just watching everyone else live.